3.12.2013

This is my confession...

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**5 bonus points of you read this post title and started singing the Usher Song about confessions in your head. Or the Foo Fighter's song, I guess. That one gets 3 points.**



I have a confession to make. Or maybe it's less "confession" and more "venting." Either way, here goes... I've been a total worrier as of late. This is pretty abnormal for adult me.

When I was younger, I used to be a worrier. I would agonize over silly things, like whether I would ever see a kid I met at Chuck E Cheese's again. Then, as I grew up, it turned into tossing and turning for hours in bed, worrying about whether I'd finished my homework, or whether I'd remember my script for a Mock Trial tournament. It wasn't until I really found God and became spiritual that I finally stopped worrying. I went from Sleepless in Seattle to Zzzzzzzzzzz'in in Zimbabwe.

I'm not having trouble sleeping... But lately, I am worrying. I keep feeling like I don't know what I'm doing. Wedding planning seems to be bringing out the insecurities in me (perhaps this is not a big surprise?).

For example, my parents recently threw us an Engagement Party. It was an amazing party... there were so many people I loved there and I was so happy to see them and introduce them to each other. But, a lot of people didn't seem know what an Engagement Party was (apparently this is not common knowledge? #oops), so I started getting paranoid that people would just assume I was just being a diva and wanted to be the center of attention, or that I was trying to squeeze them for gifts. [For the record: Not the case, at all - it was really important to us that all of our closest family and friends have some time to get to know each other BEFORE the wedding, so that was the purpose. But the point is, I still worried once I realized that some people didn't get it.]

I am also feeling worried about the people aspects of my wedding. Am I freaking out about center pieces or the fact that I haven't booked a caterer yet? No. Not even a little bit. It's all about the people for me. I'm a huge people pleaser and always want people to be happy with me. But, when it comes to planning a wedding, there is no way to please everyone. People all have different ideas and expectations. Some people want to help in some ways while others help in other ways. So it's pretty much a perfect storm for me to be worried about the feelings of the people around me. It's also a perfect storm for me to accidentally hurt someone's feelings, which is the worst part about it. I find myself worried about how people will feel, and whether or not the people around me are feeling appreciated.

What is going on? Is this normal? I think it is. Normal for wedding planning, at least. But, not normal for me. For a long time, I've been content and positive and grateful. So, this anxiety surge is pretty much feeding itself: not only do I feel anxious and upset, but then I feel anxious and upset ABOUT feeling anxious and upset. Will this go away? Aren't I supposed to be having the time of my life planning my wedding? Humph.

Watching "Friends" in the bedroom. Scandalous.

Solutions? Obviously, watching Friends and Harry Potter are in the mix. Those guys have comforted me through thick and thin, so they'll probably be playing in the background a lot in the upcoming weeks. Justin and I went through the first installment of Harry Potter on Sunday and Monday (he was bored? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?). But more seriously, I think focusing on gratitude and praying is helping.

Gratefulness: I think that a part of me started craving more gratitude exercises, and I started putting small gratefulness notes in the bottom of my posts this last week. I am trying to re-train my brain to be grateful not just for the obvious things, but for the tiny things too.

Praying: My fiance and I have been praying every day together. Sometimes we forget, but it's a great practice to be in. I also bought the book "Beautiful Outlaw" by John Eldridge and have just started digging into that. It's reminding me to pull closer to God, and reminding me just how loving and playful He is.


QUESTIONS:
  • Any other advice? 
  • Books I should read? Things I should do? 
  • If you tell me to hop up and down 32 times while patting my head and rubbing my tummy, I'll probably do it...

GRATEFULNESS (As promised):
Dear Blog,
Thank you for introducing me to readers and fellow bloggers who care enough to respond when a post is particularly honest or revealing. I've seen it on my blog, and on other blogs as well. It's awesome.
Love, Carly

3 comments:

  1. Is it bad I started singing Usher the second I read the title before I even read the disclaimer you wrote about it? I think I deserve 10 bonus points for that...

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  2. It is so tough to deal with everyone else and their opinions during wedding time! I know my friend was having a tough time because her fiance and his family didn't know what engagement photos or an engagement party were - and she felt like they assumed she was just making things up to be difficult! Once they saw how it is common, they got over it :) Best of luck with planning! So far everything you've posted has been beautiful!!

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  3. Carly,
    Something that helps me when I am feeling anxiety over a situation, people, or my own securities is to remember the beginning of Psalm 46:10...Be still, and know." And go easy on yourself. It's your first time planning a wedding right? So whose to say what's normal for you in this situation and what isn't? Wedding are a big event and very all-encompassing (and I say this just being an outsider/sister-of-the-bride not even a bride! :))Be still and know...and find out some new things about yourself, be they good, or need re-working! :) Best of luck!

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